Whether you’re casually dating, in a committed relationship, or part of an entanglement, dating takes work and effort. Sometimes when we’re in these relationships, we forget about catering to ourselves. We spend so much time focusing on the other person or people that we aren’t even a priority on our own agendas, but that has to change! It’s time to get back to dating yourself! Yes, your boo is important but how can you cater to them when you’re growing more distant from yourself? You deserve the alone time, the regularly planned dates, and the self-care that you so willingly give to others.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Let’s start with five important areas of any relationship building that you will need to pour into. These five categories of love languages are helpful in making sure you hit all the bases in dating yourself, but what do YOU actually do with them? 

Words of affirmation:

Start with a short statement (only a few words are needed), that begin with “I” or “My” and end with something about you that you’re grateful for or do well. Sometimes developing that statement can be tough, though. Another way to write or say words of affirmation for yourself is to acknowledge something you’d like to get better at by framing it in the present tense (as if it is destined to occur). 

For example: “I will accomplish my goals today.”

Quality time:

This is a personal favorite of mine because almost anything can be considered as spending quality time with yourself.

• Seeing a movie by yourself

• Cooking or going out to eat alone

• Listening to music 

• Going for a walk

• Journaling

• Meditation

• Watching your favorite show

Physical touch:

Even if you don’t like being touched by others, you have to touch yourself at some point. Feel and appreciate your skin. Run your hands over your scalp and hair. Spend extra time massaging products into your hands and feet. Determine what skincare routines work for you. There’s no need to empty your wallet into an expensive regimen but taking the time to calmly wash or moisturize your skin can be the difference in how you appreciate your body.  If you’re able to, schedule a massage or a facial. Allow yourself to lay there and be catered to. The upkeep of your appearance really can alter how you view yourself. Investing a few more minutes a day or week reinvigorates the relationship you have with yourself.

Acts of service:

I don’t think that we spend enough time doing services for ourselves and it’s not easily defined. Acts of service is focused on doing what you need to be whole, safe, and secure within your own mind and body. It can look different for everyone.

• Try something new or different from your regular routine. Taking risks helps to build your sense of self and your outlook on your abilities.

• Be kind to yourself. Be intentional about the words you use when talking about yourself. You deserve grace from the most important person in your life: YOU. We have over 6,000 thoughts per day. How many of those thoughts do you really spend thinking positively about yourself?

• Budget your money and stick to it! You are an investment but don’t spend so much money dating yourself or others that your finances are in the red. That’s not self-love, that’s overindulgence which can result in a negative sense of self. The key is balance. 

• Clean your home, car, and workspace. Keeping the areas you frequent clean, clear, and organized decreases the mental clutter and feeling of being “weighed down” as the day/week progresses. Also, the state of these spaces can be a direct correlation of your mental state; altering one can improve the other.

• Plan to stretch or exercise regularly! You don’t have to be a bodybuilder or fitness motivator to get up and get moving. Prioritizing some type of physical activity regularly improves mood, daily outlook and quality of life, self-esteem, memory, physical abilities, the immune system, and the ability to retain new and complex information.

• Invest in healing. Whether you attend therapy, have religious or spiritual support, or prefer to meditate and journal, invest in your emotional and mental healing process. Your experiences (good, bad, and indifferent) have all helped to create who you are right now and there might be some residual pain or confusion from those memories. Take the time to release the weight as you grow.

• Define, state, and keep your boundaries. The boundaries you set in your life keeps you safe and teaches others how to treat you, but they also are great personal check-ins. A friend might cross a line with you and you may not know why you didn’t like it. The only way to find out is to dig a bit deeper!

Receiving gifts:

Do not wait for others to buy you what you want. Buy yourself the flowers, the sneakers, or the meal. You don’t have to wait for someone else to present you with gifts and you don’t have to wait until you’re ready to celebrate something in order to treat yourself. You deserve the just because gifts, just because. No explanation is needed. Just remember to keep it all in moderation.

The beautiful thing about dating yourself is that you’ll never be done. We as people grow and evolve every day. That means you will always be learning yourself, and where you start today won’t be where you end in a few months or years down the road. Prioritize you. Learn about you. After all, you can’t expect anyone else to understand you if you can’t understand yourself first.