A lot of people make it seem like cutting people off and ending friendships is easy. The act actually can be easy, but reaching that conclusion can be tumultuous emotionally. No one talks about how it feels before the decision is made, how the friendship comes to a close, and how you might feel when it’s all said and done. I usually write to share others’ experiences but I feel that at this stage in my life, I’ve acquired a PhD in walking away from friendships. For many different reasons, I’ve had to choose me and my well-being over keeping friendships that no longer served me.

To add a bit of context, I’ve lived in quite a few places at different times of my life. As I look back on those times and spaces, I remember beginning to approach friendships with the mindset of “Is this person where I need them to be, in order to be my friend?” When I started to look at friendships that way, I realized I spent more time educating, carrying, defending, and doing for my friends than they were able to do for me. I had to begin thinking of who I was willing to expend that energy for and who I wasn’t, which meant certain people had to go. So how’d I do it?

1. I thought of what they added to my life and how important it was to me. Maybe I already had enough friends to vent to or go to brunch with but I was looking for relationships with more substance and depth. 

2. I asked myself what I might miss about them or the relationship. It’s important to really be honest with yourself here because you can only improve your future relationships when you understand what wasn’t right in the last one. If you’re not sure, one thing I missed in the past was the ability to call the person whenever or the shared history. I’ve also missed holding onto the idea that me and that person would be friends until we got old. Letting go of that hope can be difficult to sit with.

3. If I wasn’t ready to let the friend go, I decided to “demote” that person instead. I tried to reason with myself by saying “maybe I don’t need to end the friendship but interact with this relationship in a lesser capacity”. Truthfully, some of those relationships have lasted in the lesser capacity but there are also many that did not make it.

4. Figure out the reason(s) you want the friendship to end. This will save both of you unnecessary heartache and drama. Don’t hang on to them because you’re worried about their feelings or what their life will be like moving forward. That’s not yours to carry. Hold onto what you need and want for your future and growth.

5. Decide what reasons are important for you to share with this person. You might find 10 reasons that you’d like to end the friendship but it’s hurtful and unnecessary to list each one to that person. Find the one or two that are most relevant and paramount to you and list those. 

6. Find a way to let them know you’d like to talk with them. If you still care about this person, give them enough kindness to let them know you need their undivided attention and find a day/time that works best for both of you. Imagine that you’re having the worst day of your life and someone randomly drops some intense news on you- especially things that you might not be able to change in a timely manner. That would only make your day worse.

7. Stick to the lines you draw. Don’t backtrack or keep checking on them after the friendship is over- especially if you ended it! There’s nothing worse than being the person who’s indecisive and thinks it’s okay to change their mind after ending the friendship. Be certain that you’re ready for this step and stick to it no matter how bad you feel.

Just remember that not every ending has to be bitter. The other person might not feel that way, and that’s normal, but having the right people around you will help heal the void (if there is one). You might even still care about this person and wish the best for them. In case no one told you, that’s fine to do from afar.